The Very Normal Incident of a Dog in my Neighborhood

There are many ironies that occur within the walls of every college campus. For instance, it is ironic that we call it “free speech” when we want to promote our own ideas and “indoctrination” when we hear something we don’t like. Other ironies include pursuing college degrees while not going to class, having two hit songs one making unfaithfulness look *h0ttt* and the other condemning your partner for cheating on you (is Rihanna in college? Maybe this one doesn’t apply), and charging everything to your bursar account and living one day at a time, etc.

Clearly college campuses thrive on irony.

But lately, I have been questioning what I so often presume to be “ironic”. According to dictionary.com, a definition for irony is “an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.” Before I started questioning myself, I might have called it ironic that approximately every time I walk through my neighborhood on my way to class or back to my house, something odd happens. But this would only be ironic if I believed my neighborhood to be completely normal when I am not walking through it. And needless to say, I would be a very foolish person if I assumed “normal” to be the status quo of any environment where people dwell and do strange things, as people so normally do.

So if I believe my neighborhood to be a sanctuary for strangeness even when I am not there to witness every moment of it, then weird things that happen to me while walking through my neighborhood should be expected. And if “expected” is another word for normal (and according to thesaurus.com, it is), then we must conclude that the events that occur to me while walking to and from class are not ironic, but normal. That being said, I would like to mention the normal occurrence I was forced to witness on my way home from class only moments ago.

It started with a small black dog which came running to me from the yard of a home I do not know if it belonged to. You might think that my story is that a dog followed me around the neighborhood but that is not worth telling by itself because I am often accompanied by canine friends on my way to class for reasons I cannot explain. So I was amused in watching this cute little dog run in and out of the streets, then back to me, then back to a random yard, etc. But soon my amusement turned into anxiety because although my neighborhood does not have a lot of traffic, this dog was clearly oblivious to its surroundings. I suddenly envisioned this dog being hit by a car and my poor little eyes having to see it. It could be called ironic that my foresight turned into reality, or it could be called ironic that a dog-lover had to see a dog and the front wheels of a truck collide. But I can no longer call it irony that something like this happened on my daily walk through my neighborhood (nor was it ironic when a random guy in a truck asked me if I wanted a ride, or when a woman with facial hair told me that her dad used to sing her German lullabies, as these things have also occurred to me while walking through my neigborhood).

It is ironic that my foresight turned into reality because that so rarely happens. It was ironic that I, a dog lover, witnessed a dog get run over because that rarely happens as well. But after so many times of calling random neighborhood incidents “ironic”, by very definition, I have been forced to start calling these same incidents “normal”. And so I have given in to the normalness of what I used to perceive as weird and unnatural. As a college student, I should probably try to focus more on the ironies within my campus’ walls. Because whenever I leave the safety of said walls, I am forced to enter the real and normal world where dogs are run over before my very eyes. But if such normalness occurs outside of Collegeland, then maybe I don’t want to ever leave. But then I would be what one would call a “professional college student” and if anything is ironic, that is.

Epilogue: The dog is okay. It appeared that only one of his fours legs was hurt. The owner of the truck turned around, got out of his truck, said a few words I won’t repeat, and then asked me what he should do…as if I could think rationally, I just watched a dog almost die. But apparently he was more traumatized than I and finally I suggested he take the dog to the vet and they could call the owners from there. So the sweet little dog is okay and that guy’s day is ruined and I merely walked home to write about it.

The Collegiate Wardrobe Part 1

There are a few things in Collegeland that you can get away with only on campus that should be taken full advantage of as a college student. You should be warned, however, that just like the collegiate excuse you should leave these habits behind when you permanently leave the campus walls. They do not transfer well to real life either. As I said, there are several things to take advantage of while studying at a higher level, but those will be for other days. Today I shall address the one rule that seemingly every college student breaks: The dress for the weather rule.

For collegiate girls, dressing for a particular temperature a month before that temperature actually arrives is a must. You see, when you were growing up your mother always told you that you couldn’t wear that knit hat until November because you would look ridiculous. And since the fall/winter Urban Outfitters catalogue arrives in August it is almost as if your brain cannot even recall what you wore all summer. After looking at pages and pages of wool skirt and tight combos or pea coats with skinny jeans, wearing a tank and shorts really has no appeal. Well, being that there are no mothers here and it is not like you aren’t looking both ways before you cross the street, you should wear whatever floats your boat. In fact, you could even wear a beanie on a boat if you wanted to.

For collegiate guys, I have observed the opposite trend: they hang on to the current season as long as they possibly can. Even if the wind is cold, if the sun is still out and shining, it is okay to wear basketball shorts and a t-shirt. Naturally, this is easier and faster to put on in the morning than jeans and long sleeves. That is the only reason I can think of unless a winter coat signifies that your body is not adequately producing its own heat and must be compensated by wearing a coat and maybe that does not appeal to the male gender. However, by not putting on your coat you make the girls in September look even more ridiculous and this clear lack of consideration is not usually appreciated.

If you are visiting a campus and you are not a college student, you may observe and be confused by the mix of seasons covering the student body population. Rest assured that we do not view you as an outsider merely for your season-appropriate clothes (for other reasons, yes). We know that here in Collegeland it is perfectly acceptable to don the attire of any season that exists anywhere else in the US. Is it cold in Maine right now? Then you are allowed to wear a winter coat to class in Oklahoma, if it is cute (if not, wait until it is undoubtedly winter).

An extra tidbit: Another way to take advantage of dressing without outside influences (I speak of mothers again, but weather works here too) is to combine seasons as a way of transferring gracefully from say, fall to winter. Try wearing a tank top with a scarf and skinny jeans and you will fit in wherever you go from August till the temperature actually drops and you should probably add a cardigan.

Voting as a Collegiate…

Now I am going to assume that as college students, you all know that there is a presidential election coming up very soon; next month, in fact. As college students, however, you have probably been too busy studying for midterms, etc., to keep up with the candidates. I will catch you up, but I will keep this brief as you probably have an event to picket soon.

For starters, there are two candidates running against each other and although they look very different, their views are pretty much the same. That is to say, they have to disagree on some things or else their televised “debates” would just be a conversation of pleasantries. And kindness can appear weak on TV. And as we all know, weakness really isn’t that marketable in the political world. So basically, all you need to know is that both candidates want bigger government and neither of them want you to have any say on what you do with your money or life savings. Think about it this way: you may not have any say over what goes on in your personal life, but you can take comfort in knowing that both of these men care for you in a personal way. You heard them talk about Joe the plumber: that could have just as easily been you.

So basically, if you like socialism and all the warm fuzzy feelings associated with it, voting at all is a win-win situation for America! It is not often that the same outcome is guaranteed with two such seemingly different candidates. So if the candidates really aren’t any different, which one do you vote for? Good question. This is where you get to have a hand in establishing your own personal reputation. It’s really quite simple: If you don’t want to be considered racist, you vote for Obama. If you don’t want to be considered sexist, vote for McCain (this may be confusing to you as McCain is a man and sexism usually refers to women. That is an excellent observation. I say “sexist” because I forgot to mention earlier that Sarah Palin is not only a woman, but also John McCain’s running mate. Furthermore, rumors have been spreading in and outside of the college walls that McCain is getting up there in years and there is a good chance that you could get a female president even though you voted for a man. Confusing, I know).

So it’s up to you, racist or sexist. It’s a sad election when your choice can only bring out your flaws. But in the end, America wins and what more could you ask for?

Words of wisdom: Collegiate excuses do not transfer well to real life...

I have noticed a trend that seems to work well on the university campus that I am a little skeptical about transferring to life after college. It seems to be the cool thing to do these days in class: show up without your work done but excuse your behavior with comments like, "Man, I so would have done the reading but I went out last night instead..." or “I didn’t know we had anything due [as if the rest of the class has some sort of advantage?]”. As one might naturally assume, when I hear a comment like this I respond with, "Oh, you poor thing", just as I would respond to someone who said, "In the middle of reading Aristotle I suddenly produced a high fever and even though I was wiping away the drops of sweat from my brow, I collapsed on the floor and didn't wake up until right before class. Thankfully my roommate found me before I died of dehydration. Unfortunately though, I didn't get through the entire chapter." As an objective college student, I see all excuses as equal in their claims. Because, quite frankly, who am I to judge your poor time-management skills?

Don’t get me wrong, I do feel sorry for the poor souls who went out last night and in the midst of drinking themselves silly forgot to study for their midterm. But I feel I must warn my peers that after they graduate and their employer asks why they are late to work, they should be well-prepared for the unsympathetic response awaiting them if they try to pull a collegiate excuse outside of the thick, collegiate walls of campus.

Check back tomorrow for college-friendly advice on voting in the upcoming election!